VitaBeard’s claims are lofty: “Combined with a healthy diet, VitaBeard™ can help you grow a beard faster and stronger….A beard grows from the inside out and VitaBeard™ is the perfect fertilizer to help you grow the best beard you can!” And Jack Passion took my expectations sky high with this endorsement: “There was a time in body building when they started taking steroids. And the sport was changed. I feel that VitaBeard has changed competitive facial hair growing.”
First off: The smell of each of these little pills is no picnic. The stench is seriously pungent. One of our photo editors here at Birchbox Man described it as “garlicky.” That’s basically true, but I’d say it’s closer to garlic cloves that have been steeped inside a sulfurous geyser, removed, steamed with spinach, and left out for a few days is probably a bit more accurate. It’s not the kind of garlic smell that whets one’s appetite. I took the smell as a good sign. The pills smell like they’re going to work magic. The directions state that you should “take one capsule up to three times per day with meals.” Well, I took one capsule per day for the entirety of the month, often between meals or with a cup of coffee. This “experiment” was completely unscientific—no hypothesis, no progress charted, no control experiment. Just a man, his ‘stache, and his ‘stache vitamins.
Did VitaBeard help me grow thicker and more lustrous facial hair? I can’t say for sure. I did see fewer split and broken ends in my mustache, and I started trimming along my lip a few days earlier than I have in a few previous Movember mustache campaigns. I can say one thing about VitaBeard with absolute certainty: It got me in the zone. Keeping the bottle on my desk served as a daily reminder about my ambitious Movember facial hair goals (much in the same way that tricking out my sink ledge with mustache product carried me through the creepier stages of growth). It encouraged me to opt for salad at lunch more often and hit the gym with a little more frequency this month, all in service of the ‘stache. I didn’t experience quite the runaway results of Jack Passion’s “Big Red” (as he refers to his beard), but I did enter the office with confidence each day. The smell was strong. The placebo effect was even stronger.