The Game of Thrones Guide to Grooming: Joffrey Baratheon

As riveting as HBO's "Game of Thrones" is, it isn't exactly glamorous. From the Haunted Forest to Castle Black, whether you're a lord in your manor or a wilding beyond the wall, it's a hardscrabble existence. These brutal times call for the most rugged and the most refined grooming supplies. That's why we'll be following along with the action and recommending solutions to those who need it most. (Not a fan of the show? You should be. Catch up here.)

Today's Game of Thrones unsolicited upgrade advice goes to...

Joffrey Baratheon, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms

As Tyrion Lannister tells Joffrey in “The Old Gods and the New” while slapping him across his face: "We've had vicious kings, and we've had idiot kings...but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!" Well put, Tyrion. Joffrey is so loathsome, so odious that initially we weren’t sure he even deserved grooming advice. But then we saw his terrible sniveling bratty face streaked with manure in Sunday's episode, and we realized that as much as we do hate him—for beheading Ned Stark, for usurping the iron throne, for tormenting Sansa, for his refusal to wield the sword (just to name but a few)—there’s a certain comfort that a viewer (and this dispenser of unsolicited grooming advice) can take in a villain who is absolutely, irredeemably, and purely evil. He doesn't deserve it, but here goes: Given the unrest his “vicious idiocy” has inspired in the townspeople, we’re guessing Joffrey may soon want to “get away from it all.” Maybe get a fresh start. We’re recommending Ursa Major’s Fantastic Face Wash. The deep woodsy scent will transport him away from the mess of things he has made at King’s Landing, and for a foolish king who needs to find his way, a foaming gel face wash named for the constellation often used by travelers to find true North seems rather appropriate. The face wash will remove oil and dirt, slough away dead skin cells, and declog his blocked pores. And it should be more than sufficient for the manure he got all over his face.

Check out the rest of our Game of Thrones Grooming Guides here.

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