The Game of Thrones Guide to Grooming: Theon Greyjoy

As riveting as HBO's "Game of Thrones" is, it isn't exactly glamorous. From the Haunted Forest to Castle Black, whether you're a lord in your manor or a wilding beyond the wall, it's a hardscrabble existence. These brutal times call for the most rugged and the most refined grooming supplies. That's why we'll be following along with the action and recommending solutions to those who need it most. (Not a fan of the show? You should be. Catch up here.)

Today's Game of Thrones unsolicited upgrade advice goes to...

Theon Greyjoy, Prince of The Iron Islands

Theon has had it rough. There’s no denying that. The youngest son of Lord Balon and Lady Alannys Greyjoy, he became a hostage at Winterfell when the Iron Islands surrendered to Eddard Stark years ago. Even as he was accepted by the Starks, he was always an outsider. And now, predictably, he's a man without a home. Having captured the unguarded Winterfell, Theon is running scared, trying desperately to play the role of ruthless leader that he’s just not cut out for. He couldn’t even wield the sword properly while executing Rodrik Cassel. The guy is way out of his element, and his tenuous rule is entirely dependent on the fear he's instilling through violence. So it's safe to say that superficial grooming advice isn’t going to solve all or really any of his problems, but hopefully, for a guy who is totally “on tilt,” as they say, taking a deep breath and a look in the mirror will be an important first step. First and foremost, he needs to put a stop to sweat and odor. And just as importantly, he needs to stop sweat without those around him noticing, because as soon as he blinks or shows any sign of weakness, the people of Winterfell will rise up against him. So while we are mostly rooting for that to happen (especially after the grisly conclusion of last night's episode, "A Man Without Honor", our grooming advice is, and must remain, disinterested (heck, we offered the despicable Joffrey some last week. We recommend Anthony Logistics for Men® Alcohol-Free Deodorant. Free of aluminum and alcohol—the ingredients responsible for unsightly underarm stains—this will stop odor without turning all his tunics into pit-stained rags. Good luck to you, Theon. You're going to need it.

Check out the rest of our Game of Thrones Grooming Guides here.

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